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From married to single — feelings of fear, vulnerability, and powerlessness disrupt the daily lives of women, but, beyond lip sympathy, a concerted and strong response from the society remains missing
By Haseeb Ibn Hameed
In the one corner of her dimly lit room, wicker baskets filled with dry fruits and chocolates and wrapped in colourful sheets sit untouched. Across the room, bridal wear, expensive shawls, and fancy shoes are stacked in gift packets like relics of a future that never came to be.
Like every other young woman in Kashmir, 31-year-old Shaista Rather was excited about her marriage, until she heard the dreadful news of a woman who was killed, and her corpse burned in a cowshed allegedly by her husband and mother-in-law earlier this year in south Kashmir’s Pahalgam.
The Chilling Impact
“The brutality of it gave me chills. It made me scared of getting married, more than that, it made me scared of being a woman,” she recalls, as her eyeballs enlarge. Every time, she thinks about the horrifying incident, it appalls her.
“I thought, what if my to-be husband or my mother-in-law suppressed me, oppressed me, or for that matter, abused me,” says Rather, the educated software engineer from Srinagar, who was all set to get married in August this year. So terrified was she that she called off the wedding.
Despite the stern opposition from her family, Rather stood strong against the ‘luk kya wanan’ (what will people say) — a Kashmiri saying that has for generations coerced the women of the Valley to silently bear the harassment and abuse, whether in home or out on the roads.
Her story is just one thread in a larger tapestry of abuse faced by Kashmiri women. For many, marriage — an institution often romanticised as a sanctuary — feels like a cage.
While Rather was psychologically disturbed by the thoughts of her in-laws’ brutality, women like Bisma Qazi and Nadiya Bhat have actually experienced it!
Abandoned for Falling Ill
Shortly after her marriage and two months into pregnancy, Bisma Qazi, a resident of Karan Nagar, was taken for a routine check-up to a nearby health centre. There, Qazi passed out, and after regaining her consciousness, she found herself alone, lying on the bed.
At first, she thought her husband had gone to the market or maybe to the washroom, but then the nurse came and jolted her, says Qazi. “She said my family members had left. I was shattered,” she recalls, as she goes down one of her toughest memory lanes.
Finding herself between a rock and a hard place, she requested the nurse to call her parents. “They were similarly bewildered and took me back to my parental home.” Qazi’s parents then phoned her in-laws and asked them why they had left her alone in this condition at the hospital.
The response of her mother-in-law left the family at a loss for words. She said they don’t want a “sick” woman, and that the child in my womb will be sick like me, recalls Qazi.
“At that very moment, we felt the whole sky had fallen upon us.”
The fact that how easily a man can abandon women here is horrifying, she sayts, as she helps her son in his homework. He is healthy, she says, while referring to her 10-year-old son, “and I have never passed out since that day”. Her husband never came to see the son in all these years.
She still wakes up to nightmares of seeing herself lying all alone on the hospital bed. “I think the event will stay with me forever, no matter how much I try to remove it from my life,” laments Qazi, her voice choking.
Qazi’s family has now taken legal action against her in-laws, but the litigation is going on in the court, she says.
Normalising Crime Against Women
The abuse against women, no matter what type, diminishes their sense of self-worth, resulting in them accepting the abusive behaviour as normal, says psychologist Uzma Zaffar. Especially in a conflict zone like Kashmir, the instability enhances the effects of crime against women, she says. She is a member of the American Psychological Association. “They have feelings of fear, vulnerability, and powerlessness, and a disrupted daily life,” she says.
When Nadiya Bhat first came to her in-laws’ house after the marriage, the frequent arrival of her husband’s female cousin vexed her. “I didn’t like it; she used to come and sit beside him. It made me uncomfortable,” she said.
After she gave birth to her first child, a baby girl, Nadiya thought that her relationship with her husband would improve. It didn’t happen.
Then, two years later, she gave birth to another baby girl. She had never imagined what would follow.
“My in-laws sent me back to my parents along with my two daughters,” recalls Nadiya, unable to control her emotions.
After spending ten years with her parents, Nadiya came back to her husband. “In that decade, my family tried everything to get me separated from my husband, but he neither divorced me, nor was he ready to return my possessions, including gold,” she says. “Even if he had divorced me, I may not have remarried for the fear of my two daughters not receiving proper love.”
When her in-laws allowed her to return after a decade, her husband was married to his cousin, who used to come over to their house so frequently. She had learnt about the second marriage a year before her return.
However, she had no other option. She didn’t want to be a burden on her parents and brothers, who were also taking care of her widowed sister. Besides, the nagging fear that if she continued to stay with her parents, her daughters would be deprived of a share in their father’s property, was also a motivating factor.
Bhat now lives in the outhouse of her in-laws’ home and her brother-in-law comes and drops the provisions near the door at the end of every month.
Why Women hold Back
In her professional experience, psychologist Zaffar has found that factors such as fear of judgment, shame, self-blame, and trauma-induced silence often deter the women in the Valley from seeking help, after being the victims of harassment, violence, or domestic abuse. “Many internalise their experiences, fearing they won’t be believed or supported,” says Zaffar.
She says some women are even conditioned to live up to the phrase ‘waeryuv chee waeyn qabar’ (your in-laws’ home is now your grave).
“On the societal side, deep-rooted taboos around discussing harassment inside homes, work place or public places, primarily, the fear of damaging family honour, and the stigma attached to the victims, prevent women from speaking out,” says Zaffar.
Following the Pahalgam incident, from social media to the baker’s shop, concerns were raised about ‘what has happened to the valley of saints’, but there was little concern about the systemic abuse against women, or understanding how incidents like these are instilling deeper fear – shaking Kashmiri women’s centuries-old resilience.
History of Courage and Resilience
From Lal Ded to Habba Khatoon, the women of Kashmir have stood against odds and braved the circumstances that would have broken any iron man.
“Kashmiri women played a significant role in the freedom struggle from the 1930s onwards. Courageous women like Zoon dared to challenge the then maharaja’s authority,” says author and educator, Neerja Mattoo.
Despite the current trend of women rising as entrepreneurs, Mattoo says the women of Kashmir today are “invisible” and are much more susceptible to societal pressures than their previous generations.
Crime against them has increased, courtesy the present generation’s obsession with social media and their exposure to the unregulated content on their screens and the problem of drugs, says Mattoo.
As per a report from the National Crime Report Bureau (NCRB), the crime rate against women in Kashmir has increased approximately by 23.19 per cent on average per year from 2020 to 2022.
Be it the 2023 shocker when a 30-year-old student of B.Ed was gruesomely murdered in central Kashmir’s Budgam, or the rattling incident of February 2022, when a stalker threw acid on a 24-year-old girl outside her home in Srinagar, the nature of crimes against women in Kashmir should worry the collective community.
However, there are little or no conversations about the issue.
Sexual abuse an even bigger Taboo
Apart from this, many also choose to remain silent due to the fear of getting blamed for the situation. Like Mahnoor Bhat, who was molested by a man in a crowded bus recently.
“I wanted to hit him back, but then I wondered, what if he claims that I am slandering him, and puts everything on me, will the people around me believe me?” says the 23-year-old university student.
Her fear is not misplaced. When 21-year-old Lubna Bashir sat in the front seat of a cab or Sumo, at first she thought the driver’s hand was touching her leg because he was shifting gears, but, after a few touches, he grabbed her thigh, to which she reacted with a slap, said Bashir.
The driver was questioned by other passengers, but instead of feeling sorry, he blamed her for sitting there, said Bashir. “I was surprised when passengers affirmed the driver’s claim,” she says.
Whether it is commuting on public transport or walking on the streets, many women confide that they do not feel safe. Earlier this month, Babra Khan was on her way back from work, when two young boys followed her all the way from Pratap Park in Lal Chowk to DAV School in Jawahar Nagar.
“They were probably between 17-18 and repeatedly made cat calls,” recalls 26-year-old Khan, who works for a private firm in Srinagar.
Khan says she is used to stalking and other forms of sexual harassment. “Not a single day passes without me experiencing it, except when I choose to stay in my home.”
Under Section79 of the BNS, obscene gestures, indecent body language and negative comments directed at any woman or girl or exhibiting any object which intrudes upon the privacy of a woman, carries a penalty of imprisonment for three years and a fine.
“It’s infuriating, obviously. A part of me wants to scream and shout at them, but when you are in that situation, it’s not always easy,” says Mahnoor Bhat.
Men here are not afraid to harass a woman; they know they will get through it easily, says Khan.
Fear is Contagious
Similar stories are littered across Kashmir and passed on by word of mouth. They shatter the confidence of young women, making the prospects of marriage intimidating. Even confident, working women are impacted.
“Being a woman is always scary because you are expected to move into a new family and live with members you have no idea about. You never know how your husband might treat you a couple years into the marriage, you never know how your in-laws will treat you,” said a female journalist on the condition of anonymity.
“I truly believe that a woman faces abuse because she gives others the power to abuse her,” she added.
Redefining Women’s Empowerment
Women’s empowerment is a solid solution for many of the problems women in Kashmir face, says Dr Afsana Rashid. However, empowering women doesn’t mean equipping them with jobs and financial independence, but empowering them with the ability to think, act and decide as powerful individuals, she says.
“And in this process, our societies, especially the male members, need to fix their responsibilities,” says Rashid, who teaches at the University of Kashmir and has also authored several works championing women’s empowerment.
According to her, the many layers of barriers, including, conservative societal attitude towards women, patriarchy, ignorance of women about their rights, poor implementation of legal and other institutional mechanisms available, and dearth of family support, prevent women from speaking out against harassment and abuse and to demand justice.
Society and Storytelling
Can things change? Experts emphasise on the role of society in fostering a culture of respect, safety, and gender equality in Kashmir
While the role of family comes first where lessons of gender-equality need to be imbibed, educational institutions, community leaders and policy-makers too have their respective roles to play, says Dr Rashid. Educational institutions have a responsibility to sow the seeds of gender-equality, leaving no scope for gender stereotyping or organised oppression of women and girls.
Community leaders need to be gender-sensitive in their approach while dealing with societal issues and policy-makers need to address discriminatory gender practices. They must create an inclusive society where everyone can thrive without fear or favour, she says.
Families, community leaders, educational institutions and policy-makers need to put their heads together and coordinate to curb these rising crimes against women, Rashida adds.
Neerja Mattoo calls for going beyond the family, societal and community responsibility. She bats for ‘methods of storytelling’ for reshaping public perceptions of working women and their struggles. Mattoo believes that the stories of the extraordinary Kashmiri women who were pioneers in education, medicine and social work need to be told to the young generation.
What does the police say?
Speaking on the issue, Kashmir police chief, IGP Vidhi Kumar Birdi, says that they have observed a slight decline in crime against women, especially domestic violence, from 2023- 2024. The police officer identifies two main challenges in combating abuse against women — complainants becoming hostile during investigations, especially in cases against husbands or in-laws, and,. secondly, women being forced to return to abusive situations due to lack of financial independence, childcare responsibilities, or absence of family support and alternative housing. However, Virdi is hopeful and says the police is making all efforts to address these challenges.
The IGP claims that improved law and order conditions, increased women’s police infrastructure, and rising education levels have made it easier for women to report abuse without stigma. He outlines their two-pronged strategy of awareness and swift action, implemented through school/college camps, helpline promotion, and public outreach. He discusses initiatives, including special police deployment, rehabilitation programmes, one-stop centers, and easier complaint registration through new criminal laws. The IGP acknowledges challenges in rural areas but highlights community engagement through workshops and collaboration with women’s organizations.
Like Shaishta, Nadiya, and Bisma, countless other women have accepted the abuse and live a life of dejection and suppression in Kashmir.
How many do you know? And for how many have you stood up?
Dr Afsana Rashid makes an impassioned call for a collective societal response to ensure that “no woman is burnt for dowry, no sister is denied her share in the property, no daughter is denied access to education and healthcare, and no one harasses her while she is on way to her school or her workplace”.
(Names of women have been changed to protect their identity.)
Courtesy Kashmir Times. https://kashmirtimes.com/features/crimes-against-women-in-kashmir-normalised