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The power of this dynamic, isn’t simple; it isn’t always gentle and can’t be justified through the lens of feminism. This power dynamic isn’t soft; the older woman in the family consolidate patriarchy into a more solid form. The image of a tender grandmother fades when you see these women in action; stern, inflexible, and imposing
By Aasif Ahmad Shah
In the valley of Jammu and Kashmir, patriarchy casts a long shadow. Men are often considered breadwinners and decision-makers, and they seem to hold the reins, issuing orders, signing documents, and steering the family’s course. The reality, however, is different.
As we step inside a Kashmiri home, a quieter force often emerges — and ‘she’ is the elderly woman.
She is not a mere observer who sits in the corner knitting. Her words carry weight, direct the daily household chores, and shape the web of relationships that bind the household. She embodies the essence of a choreographer, skilfully orchestrating the intricate dance of family dynamics.
Far from being submissive, she commands her space with a presence that is both assertive and thoughtful. Her capacity to listen profoundly allows her to engage in conversations with the same analytical rigour as men do within the family unit. Her words carry weight and are regarded as insightful and well-founded judgments that extend beyond mere opinion.
This interplay of social dynamics exposes the complex ways in which age, gender, and authority intersect and collide within these familial structures. The answer to these intricate relationships lies within a rich tapestry woven from tradition, resilience, and power—a reality that defies simplistic stereotypes and reveals the multifaceted nature of family life.
Jammu and Kashmir’s cultural tapestry is often viewed through the lens of conflict, as well as its rich community and heritage, setting the stage for the cultural mores and folkways of the various communities. Here, as we look towards much of India, men are expected and thought to wear power publicly, and to display their masculine character in terms of earning wages, negotiating marriages, and representing the clan. Women, meanwhile, are often confined to domestic chores within the family and at home; their voices are thought to be dimmed by preferred norms of duty and deference.
However, in the region’s joint families, where married siblings, particularly married brothers, may live in the joint family, the elderly woman carries significant influence over the family members, especially the daughter-in-law, and directs them on how to handle chores and accept her directives. Men may claim the title of household head, but these women often hold the pulse of domestic life. This whole dynamics within the family set-up is crucial to understand.
The sociological approach to the social division of labour is particularly relevant here. In most of the families in Jammu and Kashmir, a man may choose to share his responsibilities and authority with his wife. This often occurs when the couple reaches a stage in life where they have completed significant family milestones, such as marrying off their sons and daughters.
This shift isn’t accidental. This happens as age rewrites the rules. A woman who has raised children and endured decades of expectations doesn’t simply retreat when her hands grow frail. In Kashmir, she becomes an overseer, and her sacrifices throughout her life within the patriarchal system are determined by the social division of labour in the family, earning her not just reverence but absolute sway.
In rural areas, where farming or handicrafts provide a livelihood, elderly women often assume a central role in managing household tasks. They precisely delegate responsibilities such as cooking, cleaning, and tending to livestock. Their authority, rooted in deep social interactions and extensive experience, is rarely challenged.
The power of this dynamic, which we have discussed so far, isn’t simple; it isn’t always gentle and can’t be justified through the lens of feminism. This power dynamic isn’t soft; the older woman in the family consolidate and turn patriarchy into a more solid form. The image of a tender grandmother fades when you see these women in action; she becomes stern, inflexible, and even imposing.
Daughters-in-law, in particular, feel the weight; the older women push the daughters-in-law into the same fate as what they themselves might have gone through. The older women never take the value of the new paradigms into the analysis that the world has changed, that modernity has brought the latest laws and technology which are for the ease in life for the people, particularly here for the daughters-in-law.
A 2021 Greater Kashmir essay, channelling sociologist Erving Goffman, dubbed such figures, “merchants of morality”. They dictate dress, behaviour, and even emotions, and you are not just rebuked but cast out, a pariah in your own home.
Their tools?
Not fists or finances in many cases; they now have considerable control over both. However, tradition and guilt are their most effective tools. Having lived patriarchy’s script, they now enforce the practical nature of the script through early weddings, modest veils, and honour, above all.
In a region scarred by conflict, where “protecting our way” echoes loudly, defiance feels like treason. Sometimes, it is hard to analyse whether the woman is a part of patriarchy evenly as man, even remembering that they have faced the same fate as they shape their daughter-in-law. Or it is part of evolution, which changes shapes and faces over time, and in response to the needs of the hour.
Emotion plays a significant role in influencing the dynamics of family life among older women. They often recount their experiences of having “held us together through bullets and blackouts,” invoking memories of the challenging times during militancy.
Swati Parashar’s 2011 study, Gender, Jihad, and Jingoism, highlights how women supported their families during Kashmir’s turmoil. Those memories of hardship during the conflict now enable elderly women to leverage stories to demand loyalty from the younger generation, particularly from their daughters-in-law.
These narratives bring power to the words and actions of older women in families in Jammu and Kashmir. This emotional bond is often more significant than a man’s paycheck. Older women, often, also shape the family’s narrative, deciding who is praised, who is blamed, and who inherits the family’s silver. With inter-caste marriages occurring at a rate of only 1.67 per cent (as noted in the National Family Health Survey III), they fiercely protect these boundaries, not necessarily through force, but through unyielding expectations.
Men’s power is often perceived as loud and external, manifesting in areas such as earning, negotiation, and decision-making. This view usually stems from those analysts who don’t engage deeply in the sociological analysis of families, particularly in regions like Jammu and Kashmir, where I have conducted extensive research.
Men’s power is structured and supported by laws and customs. In contrast, women’s power is more intimate and complex, making it harder to escape. If a woman pushes back against her husband, she may consider seeking employment or consulting a lawyer for guidance and support. However, if she defies her mother-in-law, she risks destabilising the entire family—a significant consequence in a collectivist society.
Scholar Sara Ahmed might describe this as “sticky” power, which persists through love and duty. Men represent the bold face of patriarchy, while older women navigate and uphold the system, all the while claiming their own space within it. A younger woman, particularly the daughter-in-law, tends to have a more submissive character, and she waits until she transitions into becoming the elder woman of the family, thereby maintaining the patriarchal structure of the family.
Many case studies add significant depth to this topic. A 2024 report by Humanities and Social Sciences Communications profiled a 70-year-old widow from Srinagar who exerted control over her son’s life by choosing his bride, managing their orchard, and silencing his dissent through tears and threats of disinheritance. Additionally, a 2022 survey by the Tribal Research Institute among rural Jammu’s Gujjar communities found that 68 per cent of elderly women-controlled household labour allocation, often clashing with younger family members over what constitutes ‘proper’ roles.
Their influence aligns with Judith Butler’s concept of power as performance, enacted through language rather than mere status. The fear of disinheritance is a significant factor contributing to male subordination, especially among sons, who often find themselves controlled by their mothers.
This dynamic is further compounded by a lack of job opportunities, which increases their dependence on their mother’s direct control over their father’s decisions. Consequently, this control extends to daughters-in-law, who often must navigate their lives according to the expectations set by their mothers-in-law.
This duality challenges narratives of empowerment. Older women may have sought women’s empowerment in their youth, but the approach they adopt in their later years is less visible. It is striking to see that they do not seek empowerment for themselves or their gender through legal means. These women are not powerless; they navigate patriarchy with resilience and cleverness.
Chandra Talpade Mohanty might interpret their agency as a survival tactic within constraints. However, they inadvertently trap younger generations in the same cycle, hindering progress.
As of the 2011 census, Kashmir’s female literacy rate remains at a mere 58.01 per cent. The political representation of women, particularly from a feminist perspective, is nearly non-existent, partly because these matriarchs within a patriarchal society prioritise tradition over change.
In conclusion, the patriarchal family within many parts of Jammu and Kashmir can’t be perceived as one in which the male members solely play the power dynamics within the family. In the hegemonic nature of the patriarchal family system, older women are part of the form of taking consent from the younger ones, or bringing coercion directly to the surface within the family.
One more important thing is needed to understand why most elderly women prefer and encourage patriarchy in their old age; the reason can be the lack of education, but I have observed that even educated women, who are older in families, also encourage the patriarchial system. Still, the certainty is that there is a question about how and why they are picking patriarchy at an elderly age. The nature of this hegemony requires a brief understanding, and further exploration is warranted.
Aasif Ahmad Shah is an independent researcher and writer based in Kashmir and an alumnus of Jamia Millia Islamia (JMI), Central University, New Delhi. He earned a Master’s degree in Sociology from Jamia. He currently runs a YouTube channel called ‘Random Talks.’